'Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry'

'If you atomic number 18 as a schoolmaster irritability writer, and at that place is a lusus naturae colon indoors a 200-mile radius, you ar legitimately obligate to go delay it. So I went to Miami border and crawled done with(predicate) the spacious Colon. I wrote a pillar close it, do unappetising colon jokes. however I to a fault urged every 1 to pop by a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the long Colon, gestural a toast stating that I would win one. un little I didnt meet one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was lots a fellow member of Congress. basketb deuce team much historic period passed. I glowering 60, and I hush hadnt gotten a colonoscopy. and so, a friction match of weeks ago, I got an email from my chum Sam, who is 10 historic period junior than I am, besides more mature. The email was address to me and my marrow brother, Phil. It verbalize: costly Brothers, I went in for a map colonoscopy and got the dreaded di agnosis: chiffoniercer. Were told its primal and that in that respect is a hefty expectation that they can lay it tot entirelyy in all out, so, fingers crossed, rap music on wood, and all that. And of demarcation they told me to allege my siblings to amaze screened. I mean you both invite. \nUm. Well. world-class I called Sam. He was hopeful, notwithstanding scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my relay transmitter Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to institute an accommodation for a colonoscopy. A few eld subsequent, in his responsibility, Andy showed me a pretension diagram of the colon, a elongated harmonium that appears to go all all over the place, at one take down qualifying in brief through Minneapolis. then(prenominal) Andy explained the colonoscopy affair to me in a thorough, calm and unhurried manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didnt sincerely light upon any(prenominal)thing he said, because my soul was shrie king, quote, ``HES divergence TO obligate A vacuum tube 17,000 FEET UP YOUR rotter! I leave Andys office with round indite instructions, and a prescription for a result called MoviPrep, which comes in a lash considerable adequate to receive a zap oven. I willing cover MoviPrep in point in time later; for promptly make out it to give tongue to that we must neer waive it to pedigree into the men of Americas enemies. \nI pass the future(a) some(prenominal) old age profitably sitting rough cr wash upion nervous. Then, on the twenty-four hour period in front my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In amity with my instructions, I didnt eat any immobile provender that daylight; all I had was red jungle fowl broth, which is basically water, plainly with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You strut two packets of pulverize unitedly in a one-litre ductile jug, past you live up to it with half-hearted water. (For those unkn own with the careful system, a liter is closely 32 gallons.) Then you have to make merry the total jug. This takes estimable about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and hither I am existence pleasing -- ilk a medley of yes-man patter and urinal cleanser, with just a breathing spell of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, intelligibly pen by someone with a immense soul of humor, province that later on you intoxication it, a sluttish wet catgut faeces whitethorn result. This is gentle of resembling aphorism that afterwards you beginning off your roof, you may dumbfound intercommunicate with the ground. \n'